I really wanted to WRITE my miscarriage story.
As in, full on describe it, feel it, and see my lessons on paper. And also to feel as if I have paid my honor to this Soul that came and left.
But nothing is coming lately when I sit down with this intention. It’s as if the right-now message is to let it live where it lives.
In the past, or maybe on that different timeline. Maybe it doesn’t need to live here, and maybe I don’t need to re-live it in order to write it.
I’ve not really had a “birth story” that I didn’t document in this way, even just for myself. So, this feels new and I wonder if I’m lazy or why it feels so huge to get it out. There were SO MANY cool synchronicities and wisdom that came through for me, and so many valuable “this could not have happened more perfectly even though it was sad” moments.
But it feels,for now, like those lessons are to be actually lived out, not recalled. It feels like there truly was this download into my body from some other consciousness, and as if words on paper is not the medium.
It feels like the medium in this case is LIFE. Every day, every choice, every thought, really is a new creation in my body after this loss experience.
As in, I could not help but live differently and BE DIFFERENT after that. Writing it down doesn’t change that, and maybe it even takes me back to those old ways, that old self. I don’t know, but that is what I feel.
I have wanted to share one lesson, even if this is a stand alone one that doesn’t make sense to anyone but me.
But in the moments of birthing this baby’s placenta (many days after the baby came out), I was shown an intensity and rawness to my power that I did not know was there. In the moments of this birth, alone in my bedroom, I felt the massiveness of this initiation in my cells. It’s as if I was channeling the entire Universe, the destruction and the creation. The power of Nature. The resilience of being Human.
This miscarriage birth taught me just as much, if not more, than some of my awesome, live, beautiful births.
It taught me my true sovereign nature and it wasn’t just a concept, it was felt fully in my cells.
Perhaps that is why the story won’t come to paper more than this right now. I get the privilege of living in this body that has felt these things, and I do not need to prove it to myself (or anyone) with more words.
To realizing the innate power within all of us,
Maryn
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